John Everyman For President!
Isn’t it time for a new man in the White House? Shouldn’t we have someone who isn’t corrupt and evil like every other president who has come before? Don’t you want a president who cares about you, the working man, and isn’t trying to pick your pocket with new taxes or armed thugs? Then you’ll be happy to know that there’s a candidate for you! One who isn’t just another man, he’s Everyman! This coming election, when they hand you that ballot, write in the name John Everyman!
“I know it’s hard in these troubling times,” said Everyman, “that’s why I’m planning to give the whole thing an overhaul.”
He’s not just man, he’s Everyman, and he thinks just like you do. He’s not like the Obamas and the Republicans of the world who thinks that people who don’t make enough money should all be exported to the tiny island of Fernando Po off the coast of Cameroon in Africa. When he’s president he’s going to make some real changes in this country, changes that will really get things turned around so that everything’s going in the right direction again. When John Everyman is elected president he’ll turn this United States of America into a country that will be good for every man and woman living here.
The first change that Everyman wants to make is to “reinvent this economy so that it can work for every American in America.” His three step plan is to, first, close the banks and every business in the fifty states for a week. This is to make way for the second step, which is to take all the money in every bank, business and person’s possession and put it into a giant vault. The third step is to then take all that money and send it back out to the people in the form of a check for one million dollars.
“If we send every person a million dollars, then every person in this country would be a millionaire, this will stimulate the economy and make this country great again,” said Everyman.
The second plan that Everyman has for this country is to keep kids off drugs. “The problem is that every man wants to do drugs because they seem ‘cool’ and they make you feel ‘hip.’ If kids knew just how uncool they were, then they’d definitely never want to do them.”
Everyman says that the best way to keep kids off drugs is to start a whole new initiative in school policies to introduce children, in a totally safe and calm environment, to every illegal drug all at once. He says that “allowing them to take drugs in class will show them just how uncool it is to take drugs, and which drugs are more uncool than the other ones.”
Everyman also wants to put changes in laws by illegalizing all fruits and vegetables. “If we illegalize healthy food then kids will think that fruits and vegetables are cool, this will stop them from doing drugs, get them eating right and stimulate the economy. And remember kids, don’t do drugs. You are drugs.”
Everyman also has plans for the war on terror, “Things just haven’t been right in America since America began. That’s why I think we should pull out of both Iraq and Afghanistan and go to war with the people we should have gone to war with to begin with: England.”
According to Everyman, restarting the Revolutionary War will help to make America great again, “And don’t worry folks, this time we’ll be prepared at Lexington and Conchorde, plus we won’t let Benedict Arnold anywhere near our war plans. It will help Americans and it will help the economy.”
So this November, when you go down to that voting booth, don’t just vote for any man: vote John Everyman!
